My Journey from Restriction and Binge Eating to Food Freedom - My Top 5 Tips
- Casey Gemma
- Nov 22, 2020
- 5 min read
Updated: Jan 17, 2021
At 15, I sat in the doctor’s chair and used all of the courage I had, to mutter the painful words, ‘I think I have an eating disorder’.
I couldn’t believe I had finally said it out loud - and to a doctor! Naively, I thought that the hard work was done and now that I had admitted that I really did need help, my GP would ‘fix me’. Unfortunately not.
The GP did not seem to realise what a monumental step this was for me and my anxious teenage self. He promptly asked me to do the scariest thing in the entire world at that time - step onto the scales. TO WEIGH MYSELF. I wanted to run. I wanted to say that I had made it all up; that actually I was fine and that I wasn’t hiding my lunch or pretending to my parents that I had eaten dinner at a friend’s. But I didn’t. I breathed all of the air out of my belly and I stepped onto the scale. And the words that came next would fuel various eating disorders for the next 10 years.
‘No Casey, you don’t have an eating disorder, your BMI is not low enough’. And that was that.
For the next 10 years, I would continue to undereat, to restrict, to over exercise as a punishment to my body, and to try to get those numbers lower and lower - because apparently that was what I needed to be ‘poorly enough’ to help. My happiness relied solely on the number on the scale.
And then something happened - something flipped in my mind. Maybe my body was just too tired of being hungry that she couldn’t take anymore. Hello binge eating phase. Hello hiding food, sneaking food, hiding food wrappers and eating until I felt sick. I would promise myself every day that I would be ‘perfect’ and ‘good’ and eat what I know now to be a very low amount of calories. When my hungry body would inevitably fail on these starvation missions, I would run to the shop and buy all of those foods I wouldn’t usually allow myself to enjoy … pizza/ pasta/ chocolate/ bread. I would eat it all in one go until I felt very, very sick crying into my fourth chocolate bar and promise myself I would never EVER eat these foods again. And then the cycle would repeat. Some days I would eat nothing to punish my body for eating those ‘bad’ foods. Sometimes I would eat 4/5000 calories to punish myself for having a lack of ‘self-discipline’ - i.e. fulfilling a basic human need - food. I tried to seek counselling a further two times, neither times led to any help. My weight fluctuated over the years, my mind even more so.
I remember the moment it changed for me. I was doing a kitesurfing season in Brazil, I was writing most days about ideal diet plans of how to make my body smaller. Until one day I went for a solo beach walk… and I noticed how beautiful the sea looked and felt the warmth of the sun on my skin. And I just burst into floods of tears. For the first time, in the longest time… I realised there was more to life than making myself smaller. I fell back in love with the world, and began to enjoy life again! Once I returned from Brazil, I enrolled on a Masters course in Human Nutrition to devour every bit of knowledge I could on healing relationships with food and bodies. This was also the first time I received any form of counselling for my ED - at 26 years old!
Now, I am grateful for my journey, for my mind and my battles because it helps me to help others through my Casey Gemma Yoga and Nutrition company, and it gave my life a deeper purpose - to help anybody stuck at war with food or their bodies.
Now, as an associate Nutritionist and somebody who has overcome these battles completely.
Here are my top 5 tips to finding ‘food freedom’ (coach with me)
1) End the restriction.
The only way to break the binge/ restriction cycle is to end any form of restriction whatsoever! Yep, that means no calorie counting, no removing or limiting any food groups and NO fad diets to lose weight. When we are trying to stick to food rules, we are ignoring our bodies natural cravings and fighting our natural intuitive eating behaviour. When we fight our nature, nature will always win!
2) Moderation is key!
The old classic ‘everything in moderation’ sounds easier said than done right? Wrong. I used to find this so tricky to practise because I was not patient with myself. I would give myself a day, I would say right I’m going to buy a packet of biscuits and have only 3. Well, guess what, my body was still unbalanced and had no idea when food was coming next, so it wanted all of the biscuits. When your body feels safe and knows he/ she can eat anytime it wants… those few biscuits will fill the spot - guilt free, knowing they’ll be there the next time you’re peckish. Or not… sometimes it’s okay to eat all the biscuits too! After years of disordered eating, your body needs to learn to trust you again.
3) Let go of ‘perfection’.
Perfection is the enemy of good. Stop striving for perfect… the perfect body, the perfect diet, the perfect exercise regime and ultimately self-sabotaging when you don’t reach this unrealistic version of yourself... Instead, aim for ‘BALANCED’. Celebrate the healthy foods you’ve had today and times you have moved your body this week, and enjoy the treats as part of your healthy BALANCED life - there is NO perfect.
4) Intuitive eating.
Eating intuitively is a skill we are born with, that some of us lose along the way, usually at the cost of dieting or restriction. Simply, it is eating when we’re hungry, stopping when we’re full and eating a combination of foods that nourish us and that we enjoy. This is the goal, however if you have been in the restriction and binge cycle for a while, your body may be a little unbalanced and not know what it needs. In this case, begin with 3 meals a day and 1-3 snacks depending on hunger - include the main macro nutrients in each meal - fats, carbohydrates, protein, veggies/ fruit. This is something that a registered nutritionist can support you with.
5) Reach out.
Talk to friends/ family/ your doctor. Get it out of your head. Part of what keeps the disordered eating fuel alive is secrecy. Find your go to person/ people, who will support you and will listen, even if they don’t understand. Go to your GP and ask for guidance or if like me, the system has missed you - do not wait until you finally work your way up that waiting list. Get support now. Find a nutritionist/ nutrition therapist/ counsellor that specialises in this area. I wish I did this from the start.
This is by no means an exhaustive list to healing yourself from disordered eating. But it is a step forward in your journey to food freedom. I promise you are not stuck here, it is only temporary and you can have a happy and free life from these thoughts.
I have left some resources below to guide you in making that next step to a better relationship with food - including my personal nutrition coaching services.
COACH WITH CASEY:
Useful resources:
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